Love like you've never been hurt.

So the last 24 hours have been very rough. It still hurts to look at my baby, but I know in order to be together, we have to get through this. It hurts to know he knew I trusted him, completely. A day later, he'll go and test it. I feel like he took advantage of me, he knew how much it was for me to fully trust him. I don't know what was going through his head, and I'm sure I never will, but I know for a fact, he wasn't thinking of me in that moment at all. I find it hard to believe that he never really thought twice before opening the link. He never stopped and had a moment like "I shouldn't be doing this" or "I can't do this because it will upset her" or "I don't even need this because I have something better." I don't know. I think that is the part that hurts the most. I've always been here and all of a sudden he feels the need to look at something like that. On our eight months! I'm still torn and I hope I will be able to get over this. But, I know it's going to take a lot of time and patience from the both of us. 

It's crazy because right after I told him I trusted him, I felt like a load of weight was taken off my shoulders. I always went to bed happy, looking over at him sleeping, thinking I was the luckiest girl alive because I had the sweetest boyfriend ever. Once I discovered everything, my heart was crushed. I was so angry, hurt, disappointed, and I felt betrayed. I felt like my dream boyfriend was too good to be true. After this, it's very hard to look at him in the eyes for longer than seven seconds. I feel like he's different. I know he's truly sorry and everything, but it happened. There's nothing that change that. I just hope what he did was worth it, because what he's in for isn't so pleasant.

I hope he knows that by choosing to stay with him and try to work past this is ALOT. I don't want something like this or anything that will hurt me, to happen again. He is very lucky I'm still around. I always thought about how I would handle if I caught him doing something bad, and I would have been out of his life in a second. 

"Most of us can forgive and forget, we just don't want the other person to forget that we forgave." 

I still believe in my heart that he is a great guy and mistakes do happen. It's just if he'll learn from it. Unfortunetly, this could AND should have been avoided. It's going to take a lot of time for me to get over this completely where I can trust him again. I hope he's willing to prove that to me. I hope he knows a good thing when it's been in front of him all along.

This is the first time I have ever dealt with an issue like this..so it's a good learning experience, I suppose. This is going to be my lesson about forgiving. When you fall in love, you're giving the person to ability to hurt you, but trusting them not to. Just because I forgive him, doesn't mean it's okay. That I'm going to be okay. I just hope this works out.

I still love him and believe everything will be okay..in time.